November 01, 2025  

Unpacking the idea of Unlikability with Dr. Edward Viljoen on 11/2/2025

I was standing at an airport rental car counter, and the strangest thought crossed my mind: "I wonder if they can tell I'm gay....

I was standing at an airport rental car counter, and the strangest thought crossed my mind: "I wonder if they can tell I'm gay."

Then another: "I wonder if they resent having to serve me."

And finally: "I wonder if they privately wish me harm."

I wasn't in danger. No one had said anything unkind. But I couldn't shake the feeling that people were staring at something about me, some invisible mark that made me different, vulnerable, unwanted.

Psychologists call it the "red dot effect." In a famous experiment, researchers painted red dots on the cheeks of ten job applicants before interviews. Afterward, everyone reported that the interviewer kept staring at their dot.

Here's the twist: Five of those dots were actually clear, completely invisible. But the candidates felt them anyway.

We all carry invisible red dots. The things about us we're afraid people will notice, judge, or use against us. Our weight. Our age. Our accent. Our sexuality. Our politics. Our past.

And here's what I've been thinking about this week: 

If I can feel the pain of being judged for my red dot, why is it so easy for me to focus on other people's?

There's a massive gap between saying "I don't like this" and "This shouldn't exist."

That gap is where everything happens, where we either create separation or discover something closer to unconditional love.

Most of us were never taught the difference. We learned early that strong dislike justifies elimination. Don't like dogs? Get rid of them. Don't like spicy food? Complain about it. Don't like someone's politics? Unfriend them.

But here's the uncomfortable truth: 

What starts as a personal preference can harden into prejudice faster than we think.

It begins innocently. A barking dog at a dinner party that ruins your evening. A neighbor's yard that doesn't match your aesthetic. Music you can't stand. Food that makes you uncomfortable.

Then it escalates. A political view that enrages you. A lifestyle you don't understand. People who look, love, or believe differently than you do.

And before you know it, your preferences have become your principles.

I keep thinking about Derek Black.  He grew up as the son of a KKK Grand Wizard. His godfather was David Duke. By age 10, he was on national TV advocating for white nationalism. By 19, he'd won a local election and hosted his own radio show where he coined the term "white genocide."

Everything about Derek's upbringing told him that certain people didn't deserve to exist.

Then a Jewish student named Matthew invited him to Shabbat dinner.

Week after week, Derek showed up. Surrounded by the very people he'd been taught to hate. His friends, rather than arguing with him, engaged him in patient, respectful conversation.

Through a genuine human connection, Derek's entire worldview transformed. Today, he works to help others leave extremist movements.

His story haunts me in the best way. Because it shows that even beliefs that seem set in stone can change, when we choose curiosity over condemnation. Conversation over combat. Connection over contempt.

The question I'm sitting with this week is uncomfortable but straightforward:

What am I missing when I let my dislikes run unchecked?

What relationships am I not building? What understanding am I refusing? What growth am I avoiding?

Because here's what I'm learning: My peace shouldn't depend on the world conforming to my preferences.

That doesn't mean I have to like everything. It doesn't mean I tolerate harm. It doesn't mean I abandon my values or my boundaries.

It means I stop using my personal dislikes as justification for treating some people, ideas, or ways of being as if they don't deserve to exist.

There's a profound difference between:

• "This annoys me" and "This is harmful"
• "I don't understand this" and "This is wrong"
• "This isn't for me" and "This shouldn't be"

Spiritual maturity isn't about liking everything. It's about learning to live in peace with what we don't—without letting our preferences become our prejudices.

I'm still working on this.

I can see room for improvement in myself. I could be more generous with my attention and kindness toward those I've been taught to fear, those I've typically avoided, ignored, judged, or complained about.

This Sunday, I'm exploring what happens when we choose grace over judgment. When we recognize that the Creative Power that flows through all life doesn't share our personal dislikes, it only knows itself as one infinite expression, showing up in forms we like and forms we don't.

You may discover something too. You may recognize your own red dots and the red dots you've been focusing on in others.

Maybe you'll find that gap between "I don't like this" and "This shouldn't exist" and discover that's precisely where transformation begins.

Join us this Sunday at the Center for Spiritual Living, Santa Rosa, for 

"Decoding Unlikability: What I Don't Like." 

Services at 9:00 AM and 11:00 AM, in person or online via our YouTube channel.

Sometimes the most spiritual thing we can do is admit we don't like something—and then honor its right to exist anyway.